Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had way too much to drink is driving home from Cork one night and his car is weaving all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "Sir," said the cop, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub of course," replies the drunk.

"Sir," says the cop, "it appears like you've had a lot to drink tonight." "I did all right," the drunk mumbles with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a mile back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank goodness," slurs the drunk.
"For a minute, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Stopped For Speeding

An Irish priest is driving to West Chicago and gets stopped for speeding near O'Hare Airport. The cop can smell alcohol on the priest's breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the back seat. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The cop says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks back at the wine bottle and says,
"Oh MyLord! He's done it again!"